Follower's Guide to Festivals/Milongas
I wish someone had told me how and when to say "No, thank you," gracefully. . .

What To Say
Why Say "No"?
The Non-Verbal "No"
Humorous Solutions


What To Say:

If you would like to dance with the person later but are tired, thirsty, or otherwise unable to dance at that moment, give him a sincere and legitimate excuse.
Explaining your situation a bit can be helpful, too, and definitely make an effort to find him later for a dance.


If you never want to dance with this person again: No excuse needed, just a "No, thank you."

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Why Say "No"?

Sometimes I'm in a good dancing place, and I can make a tanda with anyone tolerable, no matter how uncomfortable the embrace, how jarring the walk, or how unmusical. That kind of dance is a lot of work, though, and sometimes I'm just not up for it. You know the days when you just want to be held in a pair of comfortable arms, walking smoothly, on the beat.

When I'm in that kind of mood, it's best for everyone involved if I dance with a familiar partner. I hate to admit it, but I've been known to create an even worse dance if I feel like the lead is manhandling me. Sometimes I want him to know that he's causing discomfort by pressing his head into mine, or pulling on my arms, so I push back.

Those are the times when I've learned to stop it before it starts. That's when I protect us both, and I say "No, thank you."


I've found that I have to be careful with serial askers. A serial asker will keep asking me to dance even after I've said "No, thanks" several times. Saying "yes" once will only encourage this kind of asker - make sure you really want to dance with him, because if you've said yes once, he won't leave you alone!


I know it's hard to say "no" to someone who has just put themselves on the line to ask you to dance. None of us wants to be mean, and no one wants to hurt someone else's feelings. Especially as a beginning follower, this is a tough hurdle to cross. Well, I'm here to encourage you to get over that. Here's what put all of this silly "I don't want to be mean" business into perspective for me:

Often we don't know that we are doing things wrong until someone points it out to us. Like the time when I was six and my best friend pointed out that I had bad breath as I was whispering a secret in her ear. We laughed, and I was embarrassed, and ever since I've made sure to carry gum or mints on me at all times. See? I never would have known that I had dragon breath if she hadn't told me, and I might still be walking around unknowingly breathing fire on people.

My point is, by saying "yes" to someone you don't really want to dance with you're telling him that everything he's doing is good. But if you say "no," and other people are also saying "no," he might start to get the idea that he is doing something that is causing all of the "nos." Then he might take a private or ask a friend for feedback to fix problem.
(Of course, this might be a good time to make sure that you're not causing your leaders discomfort, either!)

There! You've just participated in the betterment of a fellow dancer. Good for you! Don't be a bad dancer enabler!


A man across the dance floor was actively trying to catch my eye for a tanda, but it was the end of the night and I was exhausted, so I turned away to politely avoid his gaze. He didn't pick up on my nonverbal communication though and, perhaps thinking that I had not seen him the first time, he moved around the floor until he was back in my line of sight. Again, I turned my head in the other direction, and again he moved so that he was standing in front of my gaze.

Finally I lowered my gaze as though watching the feet of the dancers on the floor. That's when he moved into tango stalker territory by bending over to get directly into my line of sight, forcing a cabeceo. I could not now politely avoid his invitation and had to either accept or refuse verbally, which completely throws the whole point of the cabeceo out the window. Feeling cornered I accepted as graciously as I could, all while kicking myself for not sticking with my original decision of no due to fatigue.

Even as we took the embrace I knew the dance was going to be frustrating. His head immediately began pressing against my temple, while he pulled me tight with his right arm and pushed me away with his left. Bruised knees, crushed toes, bad breath, ugh. I subtly resisted his pushing and pulling - I didn't want him to feel bad, I just wanted him to notice that I was uncomfortable. We wrestled through it and finished the set, and as I walked back to my chair rubbing my kinked neck, I vowed never to accept a dance achieved by stalking again.

My hard lesson learned: If he isn't picking up on my body language off of the dance floor, he's not going to pay attention to it on the dance floor either.


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The Non-Verbal "No"

Actively avoiding eye contact is a strong non-verbal message that you're not interested in dancing. Make sure you're doing this conciously though, or you might accidentally send the message that you aren't dancing when you really are.


Sometimes I'll take my shoes off to signal that I'm done dancing for the night.


Engaging in deep conversation will keep most leaders away, so choose between intense talking or dancing!


Sitting back in your chair, slouching, crossing your arms over your chest, looking down, and radiating discontent should all ensure that you're not asked to dance.


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